Hi beautiful people! Sorry that I didn't blog yesterday, I was trés busy! Question! Have you ever wanted something, I mean really wanted something, and you worked your butt for it, you were about 500% sure it would happen, and then you played the waiting game for a long time (your impatience almost tearing you apart), and one day, you finally get the answer to what you have desired for so long, only to find out the answer is that it didn't work out at ALL? Not that it didn't work out the way you planned, but it just didn't work out! Can you say depression??? 'Cause I CAN
That is EXACTLY how I felt today! I had been waiting for about 2 months, and FINALLY, I received an email from the person I was waiting to reply. I was so excited and opened the email expecting to see, "Congratulations...", instead what I saw was, "I'm sorry to bring the bad news, BUT". Oh Bullocks! I couldn't even cry! I continually refreshed my email hoping that I would get a reply saying "April Fools!" (even though it's July!). As my mom says, "don't count your chickens before they hatch!". Not only had I counted my chickens, I had already plucked and grilled them and eaten them with rice and veggies. In other words, I was banking on this opportunity so badly that I hadn't thought about anything else. I hadn't made back up plans (lesson learned), I was so sure that this would work that I had actually given up many opportunities for this!
I was so overcome with depression and I was so sad, and I was angry at the same time because I felt I truly deserved it because I worked my butt off for it. Alas, we can see the way my luck has been going; however, I had to convince myself that all things work out in the end for the best. I can't see into the future and know whether or not this would have been good for me. Even though all I can think about now is all the opportunities I will miss because this didn't work out, I have to focus on the fact that things will get better. I mean it can only go up from here right? Screw that! 2012 has been a crappy year thus far and I can't WAIT for it to be over!
In other news, I have another question! Ever have that moment when you start to feel slightly comfortable in your body? I mean, after years of looking at yourself and seeing ugly, having people call you ugly, and knowing that you're ugly (I think that only happens to me), but all of a sudden, one day, you put your glasses on and look in the mirror and think to yourself, "I'm not that bad". That's how I felt yesterday! I was so excited to blog about it and I jumped onto my computer ready to type, but what was on the MSN homepage? Something about Kim Kardashian! Usually, I get extremely annoyed with Celeb news, because as an activist, I feel that with all the dire situations occurring across the globe (Syria conflict, Israeli-Palestinian conflict for ex), I feel that the most unnecessary news is about celebs and their drama; however, upon looking at this "bikini shot" of Kimmy K, the little confidence that had suddenly come was shattered. I then started feeling really bad about my body and looks again!
I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has those days were things seem to go from bad to worse. Or when one good thing happens, 10 bad things have to happen to counteract the good thing. If I think about it, I get utterly depressed, but my advice for you people is to be positive. Look at Alice Herz-Sommer (Amazing woman!). She is 109 years old and survived the holocaust! She attributes her longevity to her optimism regardless of the situation. She wasn't even considered pretty! So my advice to you people is that whenever you have one of those "I wish I were never born" days, consider all the positive aspects of your life and if all you can think about is the shitty aspect, try to find a way to turn that around. I know, clichéd, but whenever I have one of those days, I try not to dwell on it 'cause then I can just sit in my room in the dark for days being depressed. I just motivate myself and say "Hey shitty [whatever], I'm gonna make you my bitch and I will conquer you". That's all for today people.
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