Depression!

Entry 3 - Disappointment Galore

Hi beautiful people! Sorry that I didn't blog yesterday, I was trés busy! Question! Have you ever wanted something, I mean really wanted something, and you worked your butt for it, you were about 500% sure it would happen, and then you played the waiting game for a long time (your impatience almost tearing you apart), and one day, you finally get the answer to what you have desired for so long, only to find out the answer is that it didn't work out at ALL? Not that it didn't work out the way you planned, but it just didn't work out! Can you say depression??? 'Cause I CAN

(Lé Depression)

That is EXACTLY how I felt today! I had been waiting for about 2 months, and FINALLY, I received an email from the person I was waiting to reply. I was so excited and opened the email expecting to see, "Congratulations...", instead what I saw was, "I'm sorry to bring the bad news, BUT". Oh Bullocks!  I couldn't even cry! I continually refreshed my email hoping that I would get a reply saying "April Fools!" (even though it's July!). As my mom says, "don't count your chickens before they hatch!". Not only had I counted my chickens, I had already plucked and grilled them and eaten them with rice and veggies. In other words, I was banking on this opportunity so badly that I hadn't thought about anything else. I hadn't made back up plans (lesson learned), I was so sure that this would work that I had actually given up many opportunities for this! 

I was so overcome with depression and I was so sad, and I was angry at the same time because I felt I truly deserved it because I worked my butt off  for it. Alas, we can see the way my luck has been going; however, I had to convince myself that all things work out in the end for the best. I can't see into the future and know whether or not this would have been good for me. Even though all I can think about now is all the opportunities I will miss because this didn't work out, I have to focus on the fact that things will get better. I mean it can only go up from here right? Screw that! 2012 has been a crappy year thus far and I can't WAIT for it to be over!

In other news, I have another question! Ever have that moment when you start to feel slightly comfortable in your body? I mean, after years of looking at yourself and seeing ugly, having people call you ugly, and knowing that you're ugly (I think that only happens to me), but all of a sudden, one day, you put your glasses on and look in the mirror and think to yourself, "I'm not that bad". That's how I felt yesterday! I was so excited to blog about it and I jumped onto my computer ready to type, but what was on the MSN homepage? Something about Kim Kardashian! Usually, I get extremely annoyed with Celeb news, because as an activist, I feel that with all the dire situations occurring across the globe (Syria conflict, Israeli-Palestinian conflict for ex), I feel that the most unnecessary news is about celebs and their drama; however, upon looking at this "bikini shot" of Kimmy K, the little confidence that had suddenly come was shattered. I then started feeling really bad about my body and looks again!

(Alice Herz-Sommer)

I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has those days were things seem to go from bad to worse. Or when one good thing happens, 10 bad things have to happen to counteract the good thing. If I think about it, I get utterly depressed, but my advice for you people is to be positive. Look at Alice Herz-Sommer (Amazing woman!). She is 109 years old and survived the holocaust! She attributes her longevity to her optimism regardless of the situation. She wasn't even considered pretty! So my advice to you people is that whenever you have one of those "I wish I were never born" days, consider all the positive aspects of your life and if all you can think about is the shitty aspect, try to find a way to turn that around. I know, clichéd, but whenever I have one of those days, I try not to dwell on it 'cause then I can just sit in my room in the dark for days being depressed. I just motivate myself and say "Hey shitty [whatever], I'm gonna make you my bitch and I will conquer you". That's all for today people. 

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Stay Gorgeous!!!

Entry 2 - "A little powder, a little paint, makes a woman seem like what she ain't!"

Why I DESPISE makeup 

Okay, I can never seem to find a good makeup brand for my skin. I have tried possibly every brand, or well known brand in the history of makeup and none seems to work for my skin! Let's get started shall we. MAC aka Studio Fix, aka, the Grease Machine. Mac has GREAT cover, especially the liquid foundation. I put it on my face and it made my skin look FLAWLESS. Really, I look like a goddess with Mac makeup on, but doesn't everyone? When I bought my Mac makeup (from the persuasion of a friend), I asked the Mac lady if  their makeup was oil free. Firstly, that Mac attendant had the WORST customer service ever. She looked bored, like she didn't want to be there, she was sullen and didn't acknowledge us. Work on your employees Mac. Anyway, this idiot lied and said "yes, our liquid foundation is oil free". Poppy cock and BULL. I told her that I was pretty sure it contained oil unless the coverage wouldn't be so good, she then went to respond with, "yes it contains oil (contradiction much), but oil breaks down oil so it works well if you have oily skin." I'd like to meet their cosmetic chemist who put that bullshit in their training manual. She didn't even sound convinced herself, but I was so impressed with the coverage that I bought it on whim.

After the first, 15 minutes, FIFTEEN MINUTES, of having this pore clogging, acne impregnating shit on my face, my face starts to sting horribly. I feel my skin getting way oilier and greasier. I noticed people at the bus stop were staring at my face and I foolishly thought to myself, "DAMN, I must look SO good 'cause their eyes can't seem to leave my face", only for me to get home and to look in the mirror and to see that it looks like I have immersed my face in grease and oil for the last 50 years. I cleaned the hell out of my face and then I saw that I had a bunch of breakouts. This was after about an hour and a half of wearing this shit! MAC, you FAIL. Yes, I have beef with MAC.

Second on the chopping block, Sephora. This time I went there with a makeup artist and she advised me to get powder foundation because it would work better for oily skin. We color matched my skin, and although the foundation was okay, I found that the coverage sucked. I had to smear on concelear (Kat Von D tattoo whatever concealer) over all my black spots, which is basically all over my face (and by the way, the concealer failed to conceal my spots, if it can't conceal simple black spots, how can it conceal a tattoo? Save your money folks). The concealer only made my skin an unnatural pale color, then the foundation darkened my skin to its actual color. It was okay, and this makeup could last about 30 -45 min in cool weather without greasing up

I'm not going to go through all of the brands I've been through but right now, my favorite brand is probably Cover FX, only because the lady at the makeup counter was an angel! She was so kind to me, so funny and engaging. Her name is Allison Edwards by the way and she lives in London UK (good luck on your makeup business in New York this October, btw). She worked with my skin and the makeup looked perfect. I loved it because it felt like I was wearing nothing on my skin. The makeup was so light weight and the coverage was great. However, it only lasted about 15 minutes before the my face began to get a bit greasy again.

I truly hate makeup. I don't want to be like one of those girls who are dependent on makeup and has to wear it everyday. I'm okay with wearing eyeliner, mascara, and maybe a bit of lip gloss every day, but putting on the whole schwack? NO. Primer, Concealer, Foundation, Bronzer, Blush, the spray, eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss, eyes shadow. Heck NO. I get tired just thinking about that never ending process. I don't want to be like one of those girls who has 10 inches of paint on her face and then the day she takes off the makeup, everyone is like, WHAT THE HELL. I wish I were one of those girls who is just naturally beautiful, or just naturally had good skin (even if I wasn't beautiful), so that I don't have to bother with makeup, but alas, I was cursed! As we're speaking right now, I have a huge pimple on my jaw, ouch!

When I tell my friends how ugly I am, the lie easily comes out of their lips "noooo, you're pretty" they say, and I just want to smack them, really hard! Stop lying! I despise liars! "All you have to do is put on makeup, blah blah blah". I just close my eyes and think to myself, if I were pretty, I WOULDN'T have to wear makeup. Thankfully, I have gotten past that stage where I feel so insecure about my face that I have to walk with my head down.

That's all for today people!

Stay Gorgeous!

Chapter 1...or should I say, Entry 1

Entry 1

Hello all my gorgeous beautiful people, how I wish I were you :). This is my first blog ever...actually, it's not, but that's besides the point. Needless to say, this is my first ever legitimate blog and a summer project for myself. This blog is pretty much self explanatory and will take you through the life and journey of an ugly girl, a.k.a, me. The point of this blog isn't to pity myself, or to cry about how ugly I am (well sometimes it will be just that), but it's to make all of you out there realize that you are all truly gorgeous and beautiful and that you should ALWAYS love yourself. Comprende? This is a lesson that I am slowly learning and I hope that by the culmination of this blog, whenever that is, I will have learned to love myself for who I am. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I will enjoy writing it. Ach So, Commencer S'il Vous Plait!

Über Mich (About Me)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce to you possibly the ugliest girl you have ever seen (well not yet). I was torn  deciding whether or not to put my photo of myself but for the sake of remaining anonymous, I have decided not to. I just hope my description of myself will suffice. So you're probably wondering just how ugly I am, well I'll tell you. To begin with, I have two: eyes, a nose, lips, ears, shoulders, boobs, a torso, a navel, butt, legs, thighs, feet, arms, hair, eyebrows, etc. I sound absolutely gorgeous don't I? Well not really, I sound normal. I have brown skin (caramel colored), short hair that is a mess of curls, and brown eyes. I'm about 5'3 and weigh 119 lbs last time I checked (which was yesterday); however, despite all this "normalness" and ordinariness lies an ugly girl.

For starters, I'm about 300% sure that I was supposed to be a boy,  but at the last minute, God (or whoever you believe in) decided to uhhhh, just toss a vagina into the concoction that produced me. Really, I'm sure I was supposed to be a boy. From the time I was young, I've always had a deep voice for a girl. Most girls have light whimsical voices that slowly deepens into a more womanly yet feminine voice upon reaching puberty. Even the women who have deep voices, you can still tell that they're a woman when they talk. Not me, no siree bob. My voice is so deep that when I talk on the phone (if I don't use my fake high pitched girl voice), people can't distinguish my sex. I remember the one time I prank called a guy and he said "I can't even tell if this is a guy or girl talking". Well that's pretty much my life story. And so, I've resolved to using my high pitched girly voice when talking to strangers.

As if that isn't horrible enough, I have a round face. You might be thinking, wow, this girl is crazy, there's nothing unfeminine about a round face. Hold your horses people, let me explain. Of course, like most people, I crave the oh so perfect and symmetrical feminine oval face but alas, I don't have that. Now, I'm not gorgeous like the round face celebrities out there such as Ginnifer Goodwin, Kelly Clarkson, Jennifer Hudson, etc, NOOOPE, God (again, whomever you believe in) decided that would have been way too good for me.  My round face is covered by, you guessed it, beautiful acne which at this point in my life, I'm pretty sure is incurable, although it has gotten better now. On top of the acne, we have beautiful black spots (not beauty marks, I think I have about 3 beauty marks, how ironic), and then we have a bunch of ice pick acne scars, muyyyy delicious. Surprisingly, despite the rough appearance of my skin that makes you want to sandpaper the hell out of my face every time you see me, my skin is extremely soft and velvety (THANK GOODNESS, THE ONE GOOD THING). On my face I have beautiful small "football shaped eyes" (note the dripping sarcasm) as my optometrist calls them. Can you say astigmatism? 'Cause that's what I have! YAY. My nose is pretty normal and my lips are really nice (well I think so). So you see people, I'm not completely bashing myself, I am acknowledging the good points and the bad! Well moving on!

Next on this absolutely gorgeous girl is broad shoulders! Ewwww, I absolutely cannot stand my broad shoulders! When I was younger, my mother always used to comment on my broad shoulders. "Oh you have such nice broad shoulders" she would say "suits will look so nice on you, you don't need shoulder pads AT ALL" (wow, what a compliment). Yes, she is a seamstress and YES she did grow up in an era of shoulder pads (I actually shudder at the thought), and YES, she does have narrow shoulders! Why couldn't I just have had the perfect combination of my mom's narrow shoulders and my dad's broad ones! DAMN YOU mutated  genes (Yes, I am a biology second year university student! By the way, if there are any oncology pharmaceutical researchers reading this, SPONSOR ME, I have a revolutionary idea and I assure you, my confidence in my abilities far surpasses that of my confidence in my appearance). Moving on. Now, I don't want to exaggerate the broadness of my shoulders, they're not linebacker broad as I've seen on some women (thank the Lord), they're just a little broader than average, in fact, they may be average but my shoulders look look even WORSE with my narrow hips (don't worry, we'll get to that).

Let's move down to my boobs, average size, 32D blah blah blah, nothing special there. Moving on

Waist = small, tummy = pretty flat, but HIPS, or should I say lack thereof. I actually have no hips! I confronted my mom about this once and she said "You're CRAZY, we would have noticed that you had no hips when you were born". Really mom, I applaud your attempt at humor, but fail. Now in a world where the hour glass shape is the epitome of beauty, my lack of hips highly decreases (juxtaposition!) my chances of getting a man! I have yet to meet ONE guy who has a fetish for narrow to no hips. Even if there were men out there who had a fetish for no hips, I'd be too creeped out to give them a chance. Okay, I do have hips, but they're just very narrow that they actually concave, yes, I said concave, inwards. My left side looks like well  a normal non concaving narrow hip, but my right side actually is jutted in. I have to assume it's because one of my legs is shorter (guess which one). It would seem that no matter how many hip abductors I do, squats, or how much I eat, I will never get any flesh in my hip area because I guess that's just how my genes work.


Now on to my legs which are nothing spectacular, I actually have huge thighs. I'm pretty lean everywhere but my thighs are massive. Granted, I was very athletic when I was younger but now I just laze around all day dreaming of Utopia (still go to the gym almost every day though!) Now if I had hips, those thighs would actually be attractive but because of my lack of hips they look, well, ewwwwwwwww. No matter how much cardio I do, my thighs never decrease in size! I just lose weight in my boobs and I need them!!! They're the only proof that I'm a woman...well and that vagina of course! I will never get that much coveted space between my thighs! And no tight skinny jeans for me. Okay so shapely calves (I actually love my legs, especially when I wear heels), flat wide feet (right is wider than the left, due to one leg being shorter, again guess which one)

So now I've described me! And that's all there is about this ugliness! WRONG! There's more! I am completely covered with hair! Okay, not completely, but I'll quickly describe it for you so you get the picture. A girl is supposed to grow hair where? Quick lesson folks. On her head, on her underarms, pubic area, legs, and forearms. Now where do I have hair? On my head (yay!), on my breasts (boo!!! very thin light hairs), on my stomach (boo!!!!), again thin and light but covered in hair, on my thighs (front and back, thin and light but nevertheless, covered in hair), on my legs, on my underarms, pubic area, but wait, I saved the best for last, on my chin! Yes ladies and gentlemen, on my chin! NO, it's not a beard! but I get about 10-20 hairs on my chin, most are thin and light colored but I get 2 coarse hairs every time. Guess what, I'm not even 20 yet! but I have to WAX my chin! My mom gets them, but she didn't start getting them until she was approaching menopause and she only gets 2 or 3!

NO, I don't have hormonal problems! I've gone and seen a physician, an endocrinologist, your mom, etc and I've done many checkups and all my hormone levels are normal. I have the normal amount of estrogen for a female, the normal amount of testosterone (or androgens, whichever you prefer) for a female, etc. Whether or not they're in balance, I don't know, but what I do know is that I don't have too much testosterone.

Looking at the females in my family, NONE of them have deep voices, ALL of them have hips, etc, so why was I cursed? SIMPLY for YOUR humor of course. All I can do is thank God that my intelligence level is above average and that I will be finding the cure to cancer (again, pharmaceutical companies, I am at your mercy!)

Despite all these issues, I am thankful that I have a good sense of humor, I can see, I can hear, I can eat, I'm healthy, I have a family that loves me, good friends, a good education (ignore the grammar mistakes here, I wrote this in a hurry), etc. Still, in a society that places such a high value on beauty, I can't help feeling insecure and knowing that I have to work so much harder to get where I want because I'll never be society's definition of beautiful and I have to wait so much longer for my Prince Charming (if he even exits). Nope, never had a boyfriend.

Well, that's all for today! Hope you enjoyed it!  Sorry that it was so long this time but it was my first entry and I had to painfully describe myself. Leave your questions and comments here or you can email me at diaryofanuglygirl@gmail.com :)

Stay Gorgeous!