Why?

Nobody can control how they look, so why are we all so superficial?
I've been called ugly and been bullied for it since the time I was about 10 years old.
Back then (9 years ago), there were really no anti bullying campaigns. People saw, they watched (I hate bystanders more than actual bullies). People were there, they heard. Teachers saw, they did nothing.
I was physically bullied because of it and I was also verbally abused.
I think the verbal insults hurt the most than the physical bruises.
I carry those verbal scars with me...and I always will.
I will never look at myself and see myself in a good light.
Any time I try to, all the insults I had to face echos through my mind and I begin to see the ugliness people see in me.
I used to be so confident because of how smart I "was" and how ambitious I "was".
There was nothing that I set my mind to that I could not accomplish.
I won all the awards, got all the scholarships, founded all the programs, was thought to be the funniest...etc and success was the only thing that kept me afloat.
Now, I don't even think about that anymore.
I'm not the kind of person to revel in past glory, I was to be ever changing and experiencing growth all my life.
I yearn for growth in : wisdom, understanding, knowledge, success, kindness...maturity
Now all my thoughts are consumed with how ugly I am.
That's all I ever think about.
I've never had a boyfriend. I've never had a guy like me. My time now is no longer spent being the best I can be. It's spent Googling surgeries and to change myself into something I am not to please a superficial world...because the world refuses to embrace...not even embrace...accept me for how I look.
We have all these stupid programs trying to boost the self esteem of girls everywhere. One program that focuses on such is the Dove (girl's program? I don't know what it's called) program. I hate it. Their goal is to let all girls know that they're beautiful, yet in every Dove advertisement, we see the same people...the people that the world would consider attractive.
How can you help a girl increase her confidence when you continually throw images that are contrary to the message you're trying to send to her? I don't understand.

From the time I was young, even when I was cute (and trust me, I was a gorgeous child), all I wanted was to have a beautiful spirit.  Now, the world has informed me that a beautiful spirit is useless. It is their opinion that being physically attractive is of more importance. Despite the fact that the definition of beauty is constantly changing and the fact that physical beauty can be wiped away in a split second.

I'm only 19, but when people meet me, they think I am 22. It annoys me so much. People tell me they think so because I act so mature. They are always so surprised at my maturity. I have to thank God for that. I know that I'm only mature because of everything that I had to endure. I know that I'm only wise because of my painful childhood. I wish I could somehow erase this mindset...the mindset that physical beauty is everything....