Updates & Education

Hi everyone.

I haven't been blogging for a while because I have been really busy but I thought I would provide you with some updates. First off, I've become a lot more confident in myself. I no longer view myself as ugly. In fact, I think I'm quite pretty. I don't know when the transition happened but somehow it did. It happened! I've finally begun to love myself for who I am. I'm not saying there aren't days when I don't think "wow, I wish I were curvier" or "I wish I were this...or that". I certainly have those days when I want to change so many things about myself but for the most part, I'm pretty much content with who I am. The people who know me know how much I struggled to get to this point in my life and  how my insecurity affected every aspect of my life ...from school (which I completely regret)...to friends, to my mental state of mind. It was imperative for me to change. Somewhere along the line, I lost my values and forgot what was important to me. I became really vain and superficial and the only thing I cared about was looking good and having money. What have I done? I've developed a step by step method to helping you feel confident and helping you learn to love yourself. I don't know if this will work for everyone but it certainly worked for me. Every day, I will be posting the steps I took in making myself feel happy with who I am.

On another note, I need help from everyone. My tuition is becoming really expensive and I can no longer afford to pay it. As I mentioned earlier, I let my insecurities affect my school and I ended up doing really poorly. I'll explain that in my next post. As a result, I lost my full scholarship and my parents washed their hands clean of me. I want to correct my mistakes and prove to them that I have every intention of fulfilling my goal of becoming a pharmaceutical researcher. I will be adding a donation button to my blogger site. Please donate as you feel led. All donations are accepted. I am trying to reach $15000 to pay for my tuition and school fees. I know that's a lot but I would appreciate all the help I can get. I promise to photo of myself once I reach $1000 and a video of myself when I reach $5000. Thanks so much

Why?

Nobody can control how they look, so why are we all so superficial?
I've been called ugly and been bullied for it since the time I was about 10 years old.
Back then (9 years ago), there were really no anti bullying campaigns. People saw, they watched (I hate bystanders more than actual bullies). People were there, they heard. Teachers saw, they did nothing.
I was physically bullied because of it and I was also verbally abused.
I think the verbal insults hurt the most than the physical bruises.
I carry those verbal scars with me...and I always will.
I will never look at myself and see myself in a good light.
Any time I try to, all the insults I had to face echos through my mind and I begin to see the ugliness people see in me.
I used to be so confident because of how smart I "was" and how ambitious I "was".
There was nothing that I set my mind to that I could not accomplish.
I won all the awards, got all the scholarships, founded all the programs, was thought to be the funniest...etc and success was the only thing that kept me afloat.
Now, I don't even think about that anymore.
I'm not the kind of person to revel in past glory, I was to be ever changing and experiencing growth all my life.
I yearn for growth in : wisdom, understanding, knowledge, success, kindness...maturity
Now all my thoughts are consumed with how ugly I am.
That's all I ever think about.
I've never had a boyfriend. I've never had a guy like me. My time now is no longer spent being the best I can be. It's spent Googling surgeries and to change myself into something I am not to please a superficial world...because the world refuses to embrace...not even embrace...accept me for how I look.
We have all these stupid programs trying to boost the self esteem of girls everywhere. One program that focuses on such is the Dove (girl's program? I don't know what it's called) program. I hate it. Their goal is to let all girls know that they're beautiful, yet in every Dove advertisement, we see the same people...the people that the world would consider attractive.
How can you help a girl increase her confidence when you continually throw images that are contrary to the message you're trying to send to her? I don't understand.

From the time I was young, even when I was cute (and trust me, I was a gorgeous child), all I wanted was to have a beautiful spirit.  Now, the world has informed me that a beautiful spirit is useless. It is their opinion that being physically attractive is of more importance. Despite the fact that the definition of beauty is constantly changing and the fact that physical beauty can be wiped away in a split second.

I'm only 19, but when people meet me, they think I am 22. It annoys me so much. People tell me they think so because I act so mature. They are always so surprised at my maturity. I have to thank God for that. I know that I'm only mature because of everything that I had to endure. I know that I'm only wise because of my painful childhood. I wish I could somehow erase this mindset...the mindset that physical beauty is everything....

New Glasses

Hey people! I am so sorry that I haven't blogged in a while! I have been utterly swamped with the beginning of the new school year and such. To all my many fans (a.k.a just myself), I apologize. I have so much that I want to talk about but instead, I'll just talk about the most recent events. Yesterday I received a new pair of prescription glasses! Guess what? They only cost me $14.53!!! Can you believe it, such a bargain! NO! They aren't bootleg glasses, they are actually real prescription glasses. My new glasses are the wayfrarer style (those hipster glasses). They look like this.

How I got them, you ask? Well I'mma tell you. I went to the optometrist and did a complete eye exam (it was a bit expensive, about $120) and then I got my prescription. There is a difference between an eye exam and an eye test. An eye test basically just gives you your prescription but an eye exam does that and checks your eyes for eye diseases such as glaucoma. It is important to have an eye exam every year so that any detected eye diseases can be treated, if possible, and in the cases of untreatable diseases (such as glaucoma), it can be slowed down. Anyway, after I got my prescription, I went to www.clearlycontacts.ca . Clearly Contacts is really good because it offers you a wide variety of glasses, brand name inclusive, at an affordable price. They have a promotion which is ongoing (for now), where you get your first pair of glasses free. All you have to do is find a pair you like (even if it's brand name), enter your prescription, and then it'll advise you to get a bunch of add-ons such as no scratch lenses, UV protection lenses, etc. I never get that stuff, that's for rich people. Then when you go to check out, it will ask you if you have a coupon. The coupon code for the free glasses is firstpairfreeca and it basically zeros the original price of the glasses. How they ensure people don't abuse this offer, I don't know, but all I know is that I got my glasses for free!

My glasses were supposed to cost $97 dollars, but I didn't have to pay that because of the coupon. All I had to pay was for shipping $9.99 and taxes ...so my total was $14.53. I took them to my optometrist to make sure they were okay and he said they were fine. Get on it people! I don't know how long this promotion lasts for. It's really nice because they include glasses case, spray, and a wipe for you.

It's funny how a new pair of glasses completely changes your perspective. As soon as I put them on, I felt cute! Mind you, not beautiful, but cute. The glasses helped narrow my face and bring attention to my eyes and as soon as I saw myself, I realized that I wasn't as ugly as I thought (actually, I realized that I'm NOT UGLY AT ALL). I was even cute. I could finally see what others could see in me. Wearing the glasses gave me a huge confidence boost and I was so happy because I wouldn't have been able to afford the glasses otherwise. I was so scared to put them on because I thought that having good vision would result in me seeing even more flaws in myself; however, the complete opposite happened. I don't feel like I'm pretty or gorgeous but I feel a lot better about myself.

In other news, in one of my courses, there is this really CUTE guy. Usually my courses are huge! I usually have about 1500 students in one class, but this is my tiniest class and there are only 23 people. I noticed this really cute guy with glasses like mine. He has dark brown hair and these gorgeous intense blue eyes. I'm a sucker for people with dark hair and bright eyes. He was too cute. My nickname for him is Mr. Beautiful Blue Eyes but I doubt he'll ever talk to me. Anyway, I gotta run.

 

 

Stay Gorgeous!!!

 

Credits

 

1. Wayfarer glasses
2. Wayfarer girl 
3. Beautiful

Musicccc

Studying and listening to some meaningful music, I love Tupac! Check this out!

Back to School Sales

Credit

I HATE "Back to School Sales". It's that awful reminder that another year of debauchery is about to begin. You know when you turn on the radio or the tv and you CANNOT seem to get away from these stupid "Back to School Sale" commercials? Really, I want to smack the person who thought of this. I really want to run them over with my car, then back up, and run them over again. The most annoying part is that these people have the audacity to sound excited about it. They usually start of saying something along the lines of "It's that time of the year!!!" in a really fake eager voice, and excitedly, I start wondering what time of the year it is (the fool I am). I'm thinking to myself, it's Christmas!!! People usually don't sound this excited except during Christmas (screw political correctness for a minute)...nope. Halloween...nope. My birthday...I mean, it has to be my birthday since all other plausible options have been ruled out; and just as I'm getting excited thinking of all those wonderful gifts I'm about to receive, the annoying announcer crushes my dream with those fatal words, "It's BACK TO SCHOOL", and at this point, I'm absolutely vexed! Irate! I mean just fuming mad!. Are you kidding me? Who the heck gets excited about that? Okay granted, we're all excited at first. We're always so excited for when school starts. We have so many goals. We're all eager to meet new people, scan the crowds for cute faces, start our fun classes, new profs/teachers. It's all fun...for about the first WEEK, then you just can't WAIT for school to end! You're counting the days until each vacation, slowly going through the boring monotonous routine, eagerly awaiting summer! Yup, we all love school!

I LOVE learning and I wish that I could learn everything possible. I love school because I get to learn, but the amount of stress that I undergo during the school year makes me despise the beginning of school and treasure my lazy summer days. I can't even remember how many times I've contemplated suicide because of stress in school. It's really like a daily ritual for me. Okay, so I'll wake up this morning, and then I'll kill myself. I have my cyanide capsules in a locket tied around my neck. Okay kidding, it's not that bad, but really, the stress in school is mad! I mean, for some people it's not that bad, but for me, it's horrendous.

Like I said earlier, I love learning, but I hate exams. In my opinion, exams are in NO WAY an accurate representation of one's intelligence. I honestly feel that exams really test just how well you can regurgitate whatever you heard in class or is in your textbook. Yes, there's always that one "application" question but the majority of the questions are the same as what you've seen in your homework, with different numbers and maybe a bit more difficult and thus, I am subjected to spending all my days in the library like a mole because of the emphasis they put on these stupid exams (I need to maintain that 90 average).

During the school year (or university year for me), my sense of fashion goes out the door along with my sense of fun. It's sweatpants for me all day every day. It's so bad for me that I don't even bother with my hair. Basically, whatever state my hair is in the minute I wake up is the state my hair will be in for the rest of the day. Yup, I just LOVE school. I've officially disconnected myself from the rest of the world so I can avoid these horrid advertisements. I swear to PUT that if I hear one more thing about "Walmart having immense back to school sales" or I hear that you can "buy Notebooks for 99 cents at Walmart" (which is a good deal and I should check it out) or if I hear that "Sears is having a massive sale on clothes for kids with a lifetime warranty", I'm gonna smack someone. I'd rather enjoy the rest of my lazy summer days reading novels with no sense of time whatsoever and NOT have to be reminded that school is starting soon.

Stay Gorgeous!

Photo Credits: 

• "School Uniforms"  I'd like to know what school this is
• Cyanide (but not happiness)
• Lace front wig back to school sale Just Ghetto

Things I need

Things I need

Makeup

• Liquid/Gel Eyeliner
• Mascara volumizing and lengthening
• Primer
• Concealer
• Foundation
• Bronzer
• Blush
• Sparkly powder
• Lip gloss 

Hair

• Brazilian hair extensions 200 grams

Clothes

• Push up bra
• Low cut tees
• Knee High boots
• Butt pads 

Hygiene

• Brazilian wax
• Pedicure
• Manicure 
• Eyebrow threading 

Okay so I don't actually need these things. This was my friend's list for back to school, mine was somewhere along the lines of 

Tools

• Notebooks (preferably the cute ones)
• New pencil case (old one is broken)
• Textbooks
• New Laptop Battery and keyboard
• Printer Ink
• Daily Planner
• New Bible Daily Guide

Clothes

• New pair of Jeans and some t-shirts
• New hat
• Pearl earrings 
• Socks
• Hair scrunchies 
• New Sneakers 

Everything else

• New Yoga Mat 

Completely different lists here and mine is cheaper. What are you guys getting for back to school? 

The White Man's Burden - Beauty

Hola Mi Gentes!

Firstly, let me apologize for not blogging in a long time (for those of you who follow my blogs). I have been so busy prepping for the upcoming school year. Secondly, I just want to clarify something before I write this new blog. I am NOT a depressed individual who spends all day at home crying about how ugly I am. I am not that insecure with myself. I have lots of friends, I'm really smart, I am very independent, I am involved in a lot of activities and clubs and I am pretty popular...so to those of you who have been sending me "comforting" messages, telling me to be more confident in myself, and informing me that I really can't be THAT ugly (emphasis on "that"), thank you very much for your concern but I am NOT, and I repeat, NOT depressed. I am okay with myself and I am very happy with my life. Of course I'm a bit insecure about my looks but who isn't? My blog isn't to look for sympathy but it's to help all those who go through insecurity issues as I do and help them to come to terms with the wonderful aspects of themselves. Not everyone can be pretty, but everyone can be beautiful.

Okay, on that note, off to today's topic.

The White Man's Burden

Have you all ever heard of the "White Man's Burden" Okay, if you haven't, I'll quickly give you a run down. Basically, during the colonization period, the white man (referring to the imperialists at that time), felt that it was their duty to: educate the world, teach non white people how to be civilized, convert heathens to Christianity and to basically impose the Western (or White Man's culture) onto different groups of people (because clearly, their way of life was "uncivilized", *note the heavy sarcasm). Let me just start off by saying I have nothing against white people so before anyone starts calling me a racist, think again. The problem I have is that the view that everything associated with being white, or the western world, is good; where people have the perspective that "if it's white, it's right", where people neglect who they are and try to become "white" to fit in more -- that's where the problem is. I can go into a huge discussion about how this mindset is still deeply embedded in different parts of society, but what I'll focus on is the beauty aspect, since this is a blog about physical beauty.

Have you ever noticed that when you open magazines or turn on the tv, or whatever your media source, that what is defined as beauty is ALWAYS a white person? I mean really, what our society chases after are gorgeous white, heavily photoshopped, but nevertheless, white people. Every day we are told to put aside prejudice and to accept that all people, despite race, are equal and can be beautiful, yet, whenever there is a beauty icon, someone who all girls long to be like and all men long to bed, it's always a white person. Now for the people who want to jump the gun and say "Hey, you're wrong, what about Tyra Banks, and Beyoncé Knowles." Okay, I'll give you that one, you're right, there are a few non white beauty icons out there like Tyra Banks, but, do you realize that for every 1 Tyra Banks, there are about 5 trillion Kate Mosses? Did you also notice that the majority, if not ALL of these black beauty icons have Caucasian Features or are really light skinned (caramel colored)? A lot of them are even mixed! They have thinner noses, thinner lips, caramel skin, silkier longer natural hair,etc. It's not even in the Western world, it's everywhere! Even a friend, whom I was crushing on, told me that black women are only pretty if they have Caucasian features or light skin. Hardly will you see a black beauty icon with a broad nose, dark skin, full lips, and kinky hair and yet there are LOTS of beautiful women with these features but society never puts any emphasis on them!

It's not even just with black people, it's also with Asians! Either you'll see your super stereotypical Asian or you'll see an extremely westernized white washed one with a thinner nose, with dyed hair, fake boobs, rounder eyes, etc. I mean, take a look at this, it's appalling (Chinese Girls and the Art of Makeup)! What is so wrong with embracing the beauty that each group of people has to offer? It's really annoying. I remember when I was younger, I would look at myself in the mirror wishing that I had a thinner nose and thinner lips. I would press my lips tight together, and I would plug my nose for about 5 minutes so it could be thinner. I remember that my white mates would say, "hey, you have a big nose (and my nose really isn't big, it's normal for my face)" and I would feel bad but to act as if I didn't care I would always reply: "hey, have you ever considered the fact that my nose may not be big but that yours is just ridiculously small?" That aside. it got to the point where I was uncomfortable being the person I was created to be and that I felt I had to be something I was not to be beautiful. Now, I've gotten over that and I've embraced every part of me that is me.

My advice to you people, stop looking at magazines to tell you what looks good (clichéd, I know, but really). Look at yourself and see what makes you beautiful. Dress for your body shape and not how Kim Kardashian dresses (we all don't have that body figure). Work with your own hair! You don't need weaves, extensions, or whatever. If your hair is nappy, you can still work with it to make cute afros, braids, and twists. If your hair is super straight, you can still curl it to give it volume, etc. If you're Asian, you don't need contacts that make your eyes look big and round (as my Korean friend has) or globs of eyeliner to make your eyes bigger. You certainly don't need double eyelid surgery (as some of my Chinese friends want). You're fine the way you are. Look at yourself and work with YOUR body to make YOURSELF look good and stop looking to this stupid definition of being beautiful as white and start looking to yourself as beautiful.

Stay Gorgeous!!!

Photo Credits: 

1. Kate Moss
2. Top left corner: Beautiful Black Girl
3. Top Middle: Beautiful Indian Girl
4. Top Right: Beautiful Liberian Girl
5. Bottom Left: Beautiful Chinese Girl
6. Bottom Middle: Beautiful Syrian Girl
7. Bottom Right: Beautiful Panamanian Girl
8. Last Photo: Beautiful Afro Chic